His innermost desires- 2 Nephi 4

This is absolutely one of my favorite chapters in the Book of Mormon. As soon as Nephi says "...upon these [plates] I write the things of my soul," I become so curious to what those things are. What are Nephi's most innermost thoughts and feelings? This righteous unwavering man that has been through so much tribulation in his life? He shares his innermost spiritual feelings in this chapter, and I love it.

"For my soul delighteth in the scriptures, and my heart pondereth them, and writeth them for the learning and the profit of my children.

16 Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, therock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen."

I know that was a lot to quote, but I just couldn't leave any of it out. I love it all. It is all so poignant, so tender. I love how He describes the feeling of the love of the Lord. How it has consumed his flesh and carried him upon high mountains, and made him strong before his enemies. I love how he much he loves the scriptures and the gospel. How he ponders them "continually," and how he is constantly trying to relate them to his life and understand every aspect of what the Lord could be trying to teach. Nephi seems like such a humble, faithful man. And yet he is discouraged by his sinfulness...?? I can't imagine. But I guess this is what makes him real. He does make mistakes. I'm sure they are not as bad as mine, but at least he knows he's not perfect. In fact, he is painfully aware of his imperfections... even to the point of being in the "valley of sorrow."

I guess if we could find one sin of Nephi's in this chapter we could look at how he talks about his so called enemies. He talks in v. 22 about how the Lord has confounded his enemies. It seems rather humorous to me that he refers to Laman and Lemuel as his enemies. I mean who else would he be talking about? Its all his family from here on out. Then in revealing some of his greatest wishes, he says in v. 33, "Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy." How funny is that? Please Lord, make life harder for Laman and Lemuel, and easier for me. But who knows, maybe he just wants the Lord to make his brothers "stumble" so that it will take them longer to catch up to him once he gets away from them.